Friday, August 28, 2009

He is Gone.

There was no recovery of brain function. His family met & decided to let him go. I went back to say goodbye on my own. Plumbing Boy just couldn't face the hospital again & the memories of his brother. Instead he stayed home, cranked up a Tom Waites CD, had a couple of beers & worked on his bike. It's probably what Hootch would have done, if the roles were reversed.

I sat with him for half an hour before I worked up the guts to say goodbye out loud. I also had to say goodbye for my closest girlfriend who is devastated & stuck in Hong Kong for work. When I finished, his sister & his Mom went in while the medical staff removed the ventilator (which can be a pretty awful thing to witness).

His family all went in then as at this stage the doctors couldn't predict how long he would keep involuntarily breathing - it could have been minutes, hours, weeks or days.

I sat in the waiting room minding all the hand bags & other paraphernalia that you end up with after a few days vigil in a hospital. Some of the family came out - they couldn't stand to hear the ragged breath sounds.

They invited me back in. It was good to see him without the ventilator & most of the tubes. They'd let his hair back down & he looked like himself. I stayed for around an hour, until the doctor started talking organ donation. I thanked the family for letting me intrude on this most personal & painful time for them.

Just prior to this the doctor indicated they expected him to pass late that evening or in the wee hours of the morning. They were trying to find him a bed so the family did not have to go through his passing in such a public environment, hoping to allow a more dignified death.

He passed away at 1am 27th August, held by his sister & his mother; his brothers & fathers (long story) standing vigil around the bed. It was the best outcome & I am so thankful that he passed quickly & did not linger in no mans land. There will be an inquest & possibly an autopsy. I'd imagine the funeral will be next week sometime.

I'm OK. I've had a few teary moments, but not a really good cry yet. I suppose I've been keeping myself together for Plumbing Boy. The funeral will be hard & seeing my girlfriend when she gets back from HK will probably do it. I had to call her & deliver the news as it became available. The call on Wednesday night after I got back from the hospital, was the hardest phone call I've ever had to make.

I'm finding my mind is turning to the darker places now - the where - we know the house intimately. I struggled to get to sleep last night wondering if it happened in the shed or if he punched holes in the plaster somewhere inside the house. Not a good thing to be thinking about. Every single person I've spoken to has asked me who found him & where. I do not know the answer to either of those questions. I'm not sure I want to know, but I think I'm going to need to to move on.

Thank you all for your support this week. I know what I am writing is not at all pleasant reading, but it helps me to process what has happened.

So for now our lovely long haired man, it is farewell brother, from another mother.

He is Gone
You can shed tears that he is gone ...Or you can smile because he has lived.

You can close your eyes ...And pray that he will come back, Or you can open your eyes ...And see all that he has left.

Your heart can be empty ...Because you can't see him, Or you can be full of the love ...That you shared.

You can turn your back on tomorrow ...And live in yesterday, Or you can be happy for tomorrow ...Because of yesterday.

You can remember him ...And only that he is gone, Or you can cherish his memory ...And let it live on.

You can cry and close your mind ...Be empty and turn your back, Or you can do what he would want ...Smile, open your eyes, love, and go on!
~ Author Unknown ~

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

72 hours

Thank you all for you comments & support on my last post. Plumbing Boy lost his brother in similar circumstances (different method) around 15 years ago. It is extremely difficult for him. Seeing our friend is bringing back all those memories. We'd only been together a couple of years & while it was a very difficult & emotional time, it has not had the same impact upon me as him. I was only getting to know his brother; Plumbing Boy had 25 years of love & friendship with his bro. They were pretty good mates.

We saw our friend last night & spoke to one of the intensive care nurses. They can't make any decisions until 72 hours after the incident, which will be sometime tonight. His heart is beating on it's own (pounding actually, you can see his belly vibrate with each beat), but his brain is not working to tell him to breathe & therefore a ventilator is breathing for him.

At 72 hours they will know if he is likely to recover any brain function.

We sat with his sister & 2 brothers for a couple of hours last night in between visits with our friend - only 2 people were allowed in at a time. It was good to share concerns, pain & the unanswered questions with them. While the events leading up to his attempted suicide are sketchy, it seems that things had not been good for him for the past month or so. It's not until everyone puts in their piece of the puzzle so to speak that this is becoming more clear.

It just breaks all of our hearts that he was unable to love himself & see the love that others had for him; that he felt so overwhelmed & worthless & a myriad of other things that he couldn't see any other choice & made the ultimate bad decision.

There is a glimmer of hope, but very slim. He is as stubborn as a goat though. Strong of body & usually quite bloody minded. I am hoping & praying that regardless of which way it turns out that he finds peace in his heart, his mind, his soul.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Heartbroken

Found out last night that a good friend tried to take his own life. Things are not looking very good. He is in intensive care. Plumbing Boy went to see him this morning & we will both go tonight. It is quite possible we will be saying goodbye. The family have been asked to make some decisions.

I wish I could express something profound, however all that comes is deep sadness & lots of questions that are unanswerable.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

28 hours

I survived 28 hours without google. Just. We still have no incoming email, but I can send. We have changed ISP's so hopefully it will all be sorted out sometime today or tomorrow.

Life is busy. 5am starts. 7pm finishes.

My office assistant came back to work this week! We are just about caught up now. YAY!!!!

I had a sleepless night last night - my subconscious woke me in a fit every hour or so freaking about the fact that the wedding invitations have not been sent out yet. My sister laughed & said about time you got stressed about something wedding like. Ha! 12 weeks to go. Breathe. They will be done by next weekend.

I am going to a school play Friday night & a 14th pirate birthday party Saturday night. I have to be in costume & am running a couple of games. Or so I've been told. I also have to go to knifepoint to pick up 3 cutlery sets on Saturday for the birthday girls Mum. Can't be serving the private school kids off old/used cutlery now can we. Bitch much??? At least I will be able to collect my jacket that has been at the dry cleaners for several weeks now.

Sunday I will have time to start the assembly line. Photo's will be posted.

I wish I'd remembered the Cat's were playing the Dog's Friday night instead of saying months ago I'd go to the play. Sigh. Thems the breaks I spose. Can't be disappointing the kidlet though since I went to her sister's play.

Hopefully will catch up on reading blogs & commenting.....................

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Quickie

Work is still busy. Assistant is still off work. Hopefully will come back next week for 1 day or a couple of 1/2 days. Will see how she goes.

14.5 weeks till we get hitched. Yikes! We agreed on the invites on the weekend (Thanks to Jules for her help!) including the wording & finalised the guest list (had a few difficult family type decisions to make that have been in the too hard basket since day dot). Just need to get the materials, print the photo's & assemble. Will probably do that next weekend.

My "visit warrnambool" books arrived today from the tourist info centre - am going to send them out with the invites. No need to dick around with Maps & weather explanations now :0)

My sis is visiting this weekend. We are hoping to go to the footy Friday night. Our last 2 games have been nail biters, which I watched on TV. There was a lot of shouting & scarf waving let me tell you! GO CATS!

So far I have my sis booked in for a massage & a hair cut & colour. She wants to go shopping too so we will probably mosey on over to Knifepoint Saturday arvo. Sunday Tess has a gymnastics comp at MLC from 12 - 3pm, she is staying with her Dad for the weekend, so we will go to the comp & watch & they will head off from there. She has improved a lot since I saw here compete last year so it will be good to see her in full costume & in comp mode, rather than in the lounge room. She is very strong & trains 2 twice a week 3 hours each session.

Have been hovering between 59 & 60kgs so am happy with that - have not been tracking or counting points. I have been making slices though - we (including staff & cousin's) have munched our way through a caramel slice & a jelly slice! Jelly slice won. Next I am planning on making a lemon slice & we are out of muffins so need to make some more of them. I have found a few sweet tooth's at work who are more than happy to eat my baking! Win Win situation for me.